Look like I am at the cross road again.
I wonder how I will feel when time passes by: a year after, 2, 3,4 years after...and to the end of my life. The history needs its marks and so do my memories and feelings.
In summer of 2003, I met a girl, an ordinary girl with unordinary heart.[From now, the reference of she/her will always refer to this girl] We are a classmate that the destiny leads us together. Our relation as friend grew up day by day. From a good feeling, I slowly developed my love toward her. Except my mom, she is the closest girl and a best girl I've ever met in my life, even though we come from different school and different faculty. Both of us lost our fathers and are the first child of the family. Thus, we can understand each other easily.
From 2-4 days per call, the frequency got higher to day by day, and many times a day. I was so happy to have her beside. Sounds ridiculious it may seem, I wrote out many of our conversations while we were talking in a diary. I wanted to keep recording everything about her: what she likes or dislikes, where she wants to go, what she likes to eat, all the story about her. We actually did not have a date or hanging out like others. As I could recalled, we had meals together for less that ten times. This may be strange for most couple, but it does not matter for me. Only having her by my side, only we can talk together, I would ask for noting more.
That period lasted for 2 more years before we ran into a stressful situation. At that time, I felt we must take our relation to the next step, to be a lover. However, she did not want to do because her promises and worriness toward her family. She decided to told me to stay away from her. I could remember that it's a very painful period. She is my 'yes' person. She is the one who I want to live my life for. She is the one who I want to devote my life protecting and taking care until my very last breath. I wish I could be strong enough to pass those days without giving up. But I fell to do so.
If I did not get it wrong, she also had a good feeling toward me too. But her conditions locked her away. I know she was also sad to tell me to stay away, that may not the right thing she wants. I know she losts lot of tears because of me. Yet, I still gave up and leave her to another girl from Japan: Ay.
I did not fall in love with Ay at first, my heart was torn apart leaving scars on it, and Ay asked for being the one to take care. It tooks more than a year before I can fold the love I have for her, and saved it deeply in a part of my heart. My real love lied down inside without any idea that it would be brought back again some day later.
Ay gave me lot of love, I slowly begun to fall for Ay. But Ay's love is not last. One day, it's gone, and left me another set of scars.It took me 2 years until I could recover from the pain, even it's not absolutely, it's enough to take a step away.
The first year that Ay came to my life, I also called her sometimes as I worried about her a lot. I wanted to know if she was alright or not. But later, I did not contact her until after Ay said good bye.
I did not expect that we could make a return. I just wished I could see how she was doing, and could help if she ran into any problems. I only wished she will be happy because I was carrying a sin that I left her, and also a sin of making scars on her heart.
In 2009, we had conversations on telephone sometimes, and some emails. At that time, she was not in Bangkok. It made me feel very good that we could come back talking like that. It's good that she still cared me. I was so grateful. After she moved back to Bangkok in 2010, we began to talk more and more until September 2011 that it felt like we were back to the old time, where we had lot of talks.
When the flood hit Bangkok on October 2011, I had to move from my house to a temporary condo not far from her place. At that time, we talked everyday. It is obsucre for me about what should I do. Since we were talking, my feeling for her that I kept deep down inside began to be released. "The last time I failed was because the time is note right... what's about this time?", I always keep asking myself. I feared to start, I am carrying so much sin and I do not want to make her sad. But, I do love her, I do want to protect her, I do want to take care of her and live with her for the whole life.
We met and had splendid times together during November 2011 - January 2012. I am more sure that she is really the one whom my life is always waiting for.
Until the mid of February, at that day, we were in a stress period again about our obscure relationship. So, I decided to tell her all of my feelings. She was not yet sure about her, but she also said she has good feelings with me and was so happy for the time we shared together.
There really are many stories happened.
I still remembered the day we met after I revealed how I felt. She was smiling and seem like she was in a doki-doki state. She told me she had a butterfly on her stomahc. Come to think of it, I was spending 4-5 hours trying to figure out what that statement means, haha.
We met around 3-4 times during February - March. They are all good times. We have beatiful memories together. I was so happy. We talked via phone every days. We did the things we had never done before: having many overnight skype calls which I can see her face and hear her voice until she slept. We also sang together. These are really the things I want to do with a girl I love. My days are full with smiles. I was looking for the time that we would be together everyday again.
Unluckily, 3 March is the last day of that period.
It seems like her mom is not happy with me that they fighted because of me many times. I put her in hard situations again. I do not know what I did wrong. I do not know why her mother does not like me. Perhaps, it is because of that I left her the first time. And as I know, if it came to her to choose, she would surely pick her family. It is sad, but I can accept this. It is the risk I decided to bear since I told her my true feeling. With this factor, she tried to keep a distance so that my feeling will not be growing. We did not meet until she came back from Japan in April. I did not know that it would be a last time for us to meet (until now, 5 Aug 2012). It is only a short period of 30 minutes of meeting. She may felt like she force me to come out. One word that was told that day is "sorry, I will เอาแต่ใจ again only this time". I did not understand that until now. We did not meet after that, and seems like she was trying to stay away from me. The thing I could remember from the last time we clear in this period is that she told me "you are my first love".
After May when she has her school begun, the situation went worse. One day during May, we had a talk about our situation, and she said that she try to avoid meeting me, so that my feeling will not grow more. Because we are likely to fail to be a lover (due to her factors), so it's better not to make me love her more, so that I will not hurt much when we fall. We had a phone calls 4-5 times in June. July was very painful.I tried calling and messaging her many times, but only a few response. I felt like she tried to ignore me. Well, the main reason is she is busy, I know that. But deep in my mind, I was wondering that she wants to use this period to keep the distance from me. I actually can not live without communication. I do not care about distance as long as we can talk together, sharing our worlds. But a month without proper talking is very torture. It torments me everyday. I lost smiles. I felt this is not right, but I have no right to ask anything from her, and I know she is trying her best for her study and taking care of her family. I do not want to cause her more problem. I feel that I am a burden for her.
Yesterday, 4 aug 2012, I decided to tell her how I felt and asked her for her feeling. She told me that only studying and taking care of her family already made her full. She could not think about anything else. Thus, she now feels neutral to me. Her feeling as friend is still, but not the feeling of love. She also said that she wants me to begin a new love with someone else. I asked her why, and she told me that she thinks I can recover after begining a new love with someone else. I continued asking why she thinks that way, and she said "according to the history". She totally got me wrong. I wish she know how hard I could overcome the pain from the love. However, because the sin I commited, I have no right to change how her think.
I am very sad to hear that her feeling is neutral. But it can not be helped.I am full of sadness, but I have to be strong, I have to keep a faith and move on.
This is another test of my life. A most important one. There are more things, more feeling that I want to write, but it is hard to put into words. So, let's it be in my heart.
I wish she will be happy. If there was someone who must sacrifice and suffer, then let it be me.
Life must go on, even how hard it will be.
Who really is the one piece I miss? I wonder if I could meet her throughtout my life.